Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
