three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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