somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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