took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
