Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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