I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
