it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Drunk is not a location!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
