I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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