Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
