Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
FUCK WHALES
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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