They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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