What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
