omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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