Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
