I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
