Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I wish I only lived at night.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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