Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
