i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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