You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
