how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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