He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
even my farts smell like vagina
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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