You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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