I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
