I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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