I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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