he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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