ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
