He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
