she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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