when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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