I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
