Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
