The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
