if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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