The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
