If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
