Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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