I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
