yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
