So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
