sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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