I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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