i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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