I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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