So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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