My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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