Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
that's an acceptable place to lick
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
