I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
