the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
