I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
