i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
