Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
