how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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