so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
