im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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